Rules for Doing One-on-Ones

What is a one-on-one?

It’s a face-to-face conversation between two people (organizer and potential leader OR leader and potential leader) for the explicit purpose of exploring a relationship between a potential leader and a power organization; done well, it’s a conversation grounded in passion, vision, stories and self-interest, NOT issues and programs; at the end of the day, the goal is to increase the power of the organization by getting the person – who presumably has something to offer (passion, a following, etc.) -- to join the collective.

1) An effective organizer. To be an effective organizer, you have to be “relational.” In all, three characteristics describe a good organizer: 1) Relational – the ability to develop formal but meaningful relationships with diverse people – black, white, poor, rich, liberal and conservative; 2) Has “pull” – by itself, being relational doesn’t cut it. At the end of the day, an organizer has to have the “pull” to turn people out to meetings and actions … to get people to act on their self interest; AND 3) Makes things happen – can translate hundreds of one-on-one meetings done over a period of time into a solid core team or action. *Note -- This document applies to #s 1 and 2 above. In addition, although one can fake it, to perfect relational meetings as an art form requires that you have a genuine interest in people.

2) Purpose of relational meetings. In many organizing circles, relational meetings are used as a recruitment and teaching tool. But they also serve the purpose of making the organizer whole, replenishing energy, filling up the bucket. A veteran organizer once told a talented organizer on the verge of burnout to take a few months off. He asked her to make a list of 100 people she found interesting and to do relational meetings with them. These meetings (through the stories and energy exchanged) had the effect of reinvigorating the organizer. They made her whole, again.

3) It’s about selection. Organizing in general, relational meetings in particular, is about selection. You don’t just meet with anyone. You’re looking for leaders – people with a following; people who can relate well to others; people who have passion rooted in anger (cold anger, not rage); people who will stand for the whole, not just their particularissue or their race or ethnic group.

4) Probing vs. Prying. You don’t do relational meetings for chit-chat. Nor do you go into them with the goal of selling something – membership or affiliation with your organization. Instead, you’re going after a person’s core, their spirit. You want to know what makes them tick. You’re looking for the personal stories behind their public persona.

When probing, the most radical thing you can do is to ask the person “Why?” “Why teach?” “Why do you do social justice work?” To reiterate, relational meetings are NOT an indiscriminate search for information. You’re looking for something very specific – talent, passion, vision and energy.

6) Time is important. When done well, two people doing a relational meeting find and mix each other’s energy. However, there’s only so much time that you can sustain this mixing. Thus, relational meetings should last no more than 30-45 minutes. If a conversation is really interesting, schedule another appointment.To avoid an abrupt end to the meeting, ask the person you’re meeting with, prior to the meeting, if they have 30 – 45 minutes. Tell them this gives you enough time to get to your next appointment.

7) Cues and Clues. Venue or place counts with relational meetings. People aren’t always comfortable inviting you to their home or office. If not, fine. Meet at the local Starbucks. But if they are, grab the opportunity. Going into a person’s home or office allows you to identify cues and clues that tell you something about the person and may provoke deeper probing questions – “That picture on the wall. Tell me about it? What significance does it have to you?” “All those trophies and awards in sports or science. Where does the interest and passion come from?”

8) Use your whole self. Relational meetings are not a cerebral exercise. You use your whole self – eye contact with the other person that doesn’t stray every time someone walks by; leaning forward or nodding the head to communicate particular interest in a story being told or point being made; physically standing or pounding a table while telling a story in order to paint a picture, provide imagery.

9) It’s a dance. When done well, there’s a dance between two people doing relational meetings. The meeting should not be about the organizer asking probing questions and the other person responding. Along the way, the organizer should have awakened enough curiosity in the other person that they, too, are probing and sharing stories. This is why selection is important. Chances are, if you meet with someone who’s a dud, this dance won’t happen.